this posting is going to mark a particular point that i have reached in my life, i wish i could do something a little more important, memorable and a little less hypocritical than write a blog about it, but i think the importance of the way i feel is more in the words and thoughts i have than the method i chose to convey them. im not a very clever man and im especially bad at expressing my feelings verbally, so despite my thoughts about the internet, writing them down where people can choose to read or ignore seems fitting. this is my statement of intent.
at this moment in time im at a fork in the road of what people might call the journey of life, a fork that im sure i have caused myself and that has more than two paths for me to chose between. i have never been great at making the right decision or knowing what to do in terms of my future, until now i have always taken the live life day by day attitude, dealing with what comes up as best i can, enjoying the good times and hiding and suppressing the things i cant. it seemed to work for most of my teenage and early adult years, but now, having just nudged a quarter century, i think this way of life has run its course and i need to choose the direction for the rest of my life.
i have always tried to be a positive person, for myself and to those around me, aslo i have tried to be a good person, something that i feel i have failed at slightly over the last 5 or so years. there are lots of reasons for this that im not going to go into here but if you know me you can ask me. its the build up of all these feelings, combined with my outlook on many things that has brought me to this point. i see the world i live in through a negative vail, pulled over me by personal experiences, things i am told, things i see, hear and feel. i have strong views on things that i sometimes feel people wont understand, some of the things i see people do just make me feel so detached, like im from a different culture and what people see as normal behavior is alien to me. the way alot of men treat women is something i have been puzzled by lately, many people i know are guilty of this and it creates a real lack of respect between both sexes that just doesn't seem right. i see a lot of this and similar on the internet, sites and also technology like camera phones that seem to generate this idea that its ok to expose yourself for the world to see, it makes me sad and angry that people can be like this and the hurt it can cause especially when there are relationships involved.
i believe the way society is developing is taking away a lot of what makes us human and sets us apart from the other living things on our planet. i dont want to come off as being sanctimonious with the way i feel and im sure subconsciously im guilty of similar sins, but now i feel im ready to do something about it. i want to try to make a difference, if not to a larger cause, but to myself and to those around me and my closest loved ones. for myself i wish to decide where i am going, what sort of purpose i have and if i can fulfill it. i want to begin to leave behind the things i can do without that bring me down or cloud my judgements and actions and focus on the things that are important to me. my artwork, my studies, my love of music and the scene i have become part of over the last 7 or so years, my family who have always been there for me and supported me even when i have let them down, my friends those who i see often and those i wish to see more, also a particular girl who is very important to me. for others, i want to be kind, helpful and someone they can rely on, i want to do something everyday that will make at least one person happy, im not about to rush out and give all my money to charity or join some insane religious cult, im thinking smaller and more down to earth, making someone smile is just as important to me as any of the causes we are told about through the media. i want to do all i can to be a better person and to make the most of my life.
so from now on i intend to be more mindful of my actions and the way i am living, i want to focus on my future, i want to finally sort out my money or lack of, i want to be healthy, i want to succeed in some of the things i am interested in, my art, music and others, i want to make good on some of the things i have done wrong but most of all i want to feel happy, i want to feel complete and like my life is not just another that is running half hearted until the inevitable happens. im not expecting this to happen overnight and im not expecting it to always be easy, but from now on i want to feel like something is changing for the better.
i guess all thats left to say is watch this space, and if anyone reading this has anything to say feel free to get in touch...